Love or Authority???

Sunday's service message was awesome!!! There was a question the Pastor asked during his sermon and I felt the question was being personally directed at me.  How do you discipline??? With Love or Authority?  I was embarrassed to admit that I discipline with love.  I thought about it all day Sunday, being a little more agressive with my authority.  Should I be more stern with my discipline?  Should I discipline with an iron fist?

I thought about my two older children, KJ & Kalani, and how wonderfully respectful and loving they were throughout their childhood years.  Besides the average adolescent anger they felt towards me when I said "No", they were and still are very good kids who turned out to be wonderful young adults.  I believe throughout their whole childhood and adolescent years, I disciplined with Love.

Now, I have my nine year old daughter, Keanalei.  She is different.  A challenge, if I might be so candid.  Always resisting (not completely) our requests to be more respectful with her attitude.  I know that at times when she talks back in front of others, I am viewed as a "Push Over Mom" or a mom who does not know how to discipline her child.  I've done all the "no no's" when it comes to parenting with her.  I've allowed her to raise her voice at me, have the last word, get away with not doing what I've asked of her, even after asking her to do it more than three times.  I give up.  I just let it go.

The other day, I had a conversation with her and told her that she hurt my feelings when she talks back to me.  She said "I never talk back to you, Mom".  I looked at her puzzled and said "Are you serious?", what do you thing "talking back" means?  She said "When you yell back at your mom or dad".  She honestly did not believe that she was talking back.  I continued to tell her that "talking back" meant that when you are being spoken to and not being asked a question, you reply with a statement.  I told her that when the only time I expect an answer is when I've asked her a question, otherwise she is to stay focused on listening to what is being said.  She nodded as if to say she understood.

The next day, the problem continued.  When I was talking to her about her homework, and I was disappointed in how she kept her agenda - No questions, just a statement.  She said "Mom, I know, I know"...I looked at her and said, "see, this is exactly what I am talking about".  She then stopped talking and just listened.  I then realized that disciplining with both Love & Authority is important, but the most important is Communication.  Communication is important in every relationship, including a parent/child relationship.  I love my kids with all my heart and want them to feel comfortable to speak to me about anything, so I will lovingly, with a hint of authority, communicate my wants as a parent, and also allow them to communicate their needs as a child.

How do you discipline?  How has it affected your relationship with your child?  If you have adult children, would you have done things differently?